Winter Grief: Holding What Hurts in Silence

Winter can make grief feel heavier. Shorter days and longer nights often leave more space for thoughts and emotions that have been held back. For many people, this season brings a quieter form of grief, one that is carried privately and often without words.

You may find yourself awake late at night, replaying moments or decisions. Questions like What should I have done? or Why didn’t I see it sooner? can surface without warning. Even when you understand that you did the best you could with what you knew at the time, your body may still feel tense, heavy, or exhausted. Trauma and grief are often held in the nervous system long after the mind has tried to make sense of loss.

Many people continue to show up for others while grieving. Daily routines are maintained. Smiles are offered. Inside, there may be a quiet weight that is difficult to explain. You might notice a sense of distance from yourself or a dullness that was not there before. This is not a failure or avoidance. It is often a protective response when pain feels overwhelming or unsafe to share.

Some forms of grief are especially hard to name, particularly when the person being grieved is still alive. Loss related to estrangement, addiction, illness, or profound change is often invisible to others. When grief does not fit familiar narratives, it may be minimized, which can deepen feelings of isolation.

How Grief Affects Emotional and Physical Well-being

Grief does not follow a straight line. Kübler-Ross and Kessler (2005) describe common emotional responses to loss, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These are not stages to complete, but experiences that may arise and fade over time.

Each response can be understood as an adaptive way the system tries to cope. Denial can create space when reality feels too much. Anger may point to hurt or unmet needs. Bargaining often reflects a wish for safety or control. Depression may signal emotional fatigue rather than pathology. Acceptance does not mean being finished with grief, but learning how to live alongside what has been lost.

Shame and Guilt in Grief

Shame and guilt often accompany grief and loss. Tangney and Dearing (2002) identify them as distinct emotions that shape how people relate to themselves after loss.

Guilt focuses on behaviour and asks, What did I do wrong? Shame focuses on identity and says, There is something wrong with me. Jane Middelton-Moz (1990) notes that in grief, these feelings work quietly, guilt may appear as ongoing self-questioning, while shame can lead to silence, withdrawal, and the belief that one’s pain is too much or undeserving of care. Just as winter forces us indoors, shame forces us inward, creating a hibernation of the self.

Trauma can intensify both. When grief is unsupported or misunderstood, shame and guilt can keep it held inside. Trauma-informed therapy works gently to separate responsibility from self-blame and to meet grief with compassion rather than judgment. In my psychotherapy practice, I support individuals across Ontario, including the Durham Region, through trauma-informed and culturally responsive care.

Moving Gently Forward with Grief

Grieving in silence is often a form of self-protection. Healing does not require forcing change or pushing through pain. It begins with safety, pacing, and permission to feel what is present.

Winter will shift, even when it feels endless. Grief may remain, but it can become less consuming when it is acknowledged and held with care. There is no right way to grieve. There is only your way, and it is enough.

References

Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Scribner.

Middelton-Moz, J. (1990). Shame and guilt: Masters of disguise. Health Communications Inc.

Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and guilt. Guilford Press.